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More About Me
Why I write
I write because all of my life I have been two people. Outwardly I have been the good girl, legs crossed, proper articulation, honor society, follow the rules, reliable, trustworthy, safe Joy that wanted to change the world. Still does. This woman looks for beauty in the obscene and always sees the glass as half full no matter what was going on in her life. She chooses to only see a happy, running through the field in a light spring rain solution, even as the proverbial house is burning down. This Joy watches only comedies or videos of animals and giggling babies; or Nova, PBS, Food or Travel Network or television shows with characters named John or Mary. This is socially acceptable alternate universe Joy, kind of like a brown Barbie.
Then there is the stranger who shares my face and my body. She wears my clothes and knows all of my pin numbers but she is definitely not me because this woman is crazy! That woman lurks just beneath the surface of sane, like a viper hiding beneath a rock, ready to strike the next unsuspecting hand that reaches down to pick a flower. Unbalanced Joy writes songs with expletives and binge watches reality television shows that are devoid of substance, while eating pizza and ice cream even though she has a gluten and lactose allergy. Unlike socially acceptable Joy, this version embraces all things on the naughty list and pleasing both Joy's is the reason that I write.
Writing, for me, creates balance between my two mental hemispheres and affords me the luxury of exploring every undiscovered aspect of my personality. My pen safely releases raw emotion, too painful to verbalize, some of which I have suppressed since childhood. I think that most of us are two people fighting each other for dominance. There's that rational person who allows cars out onto the highway. Then there's the stranger who speeds up for no reason than the fact that she doesn't want you to get in front of her. I believe that we are all both people to a greater or lesser degree, I'm just willing to expose my crazy to public scrutiny.
My style
I strive for balance in everything that I write and I'm basically a wordsmith who tries to infuse education, motivation or inspiration into everything unless it's one of those crazy days where my alter ego grabs the pen. I usually have kind of a bipartisan penmanship where I will walk on the proverbial limb to emphasize a point while remaining objective and unbiased, with kind of a clinical approach. I make up words and I use lots of alliteration and other fun writing tools and I am the master of the metaphor! But its actually easier to show you than tell you so this piece from my first book, Sacred Joy (which of course is still available) sums me up quite nicely:
Bi-Polar
Contradiction
Hyprocrisy
Oxymoron
Inside of me
Synonym-ous
Antonym-ity
One person
Duality.
The same as I
Different than me
Who the hell are you
Really?
How can we be opposites
Myself and me
One mind
Two personality.
Good Bad
Nice Naughty
Antichrist Messiah
There’s a battle inside my body
Do I spread love or spit fire?
Riding on a pendulum
like a swing in a children’s playground
Don’t know when it’s going up
Can’t predict when it comes back down.
I am a dove wings of white
I’m a bird of prey scavenging all night
Am I a lion or am I a lamb
Not even the mirror knows who I am.
I am the flame that started the fire
I am the fire that started the flame
Oxymoron
Juxtaposition
Two words that mean
The same thang…
Joy + Bi-polarity = the marriage of madness and sanity
Who Is Joy?
WHO AM I
I Am eternity I birth the sun
Then created the universe.
I am your grandfather’s,
grandmother infinitely
All that ever was came from me
I’m your’ cherry pie I’m your butter crisp
I’m your chocolate, vanilla and licorice
I’m your sugar mama I’m your jelly bean
I’m your ju ju be, I’m your Krispy Kreme
I’m your morning light I’m your kiss goodnight
I’m your day baby, you my night
I’m your grandma your mother your sister a saint
Your ho and your bitch are but two things I ain’t
I’m Your aunt and your niece your lover your true
Your chicken or thot two more things I don’t do
I’m your godchild your daughter your cousin your teacher
Your doctor your lawyer your neighbor your preacher
I’m your sunlight and water I’m all that you see
Every woman in her-story is somehow me
I am a gentle breeze that rocks you to sleep
with the softness of a whisper
I am the mighty wind uprooting houses – --
I’m the twister
I am the candlelight on a moon less night
illuminating your path
I am volcano’s fire,
with my ire you can’t escape my wrath
I’m a princess a goddess
no need to be modest
I come from rib that come from you
You are my strength I am your strong
We are one and two
I carry you claim you
suckle you name you
raise you up to a tree
I radiate sunshine to light your path
I am Woman
Look
At
Me!
Excerpt from MASTERING JOY
April 20, 2012- Day 24 GOD ON DEMAND
I looked at the calendar today and realized something. I have only six days left, just six more days of this 29 day journey. When I began I was full of things to say, full of fear and full of one other four letter word that most people take a laxative to relieve themselves of. Yes…that and I don’t mean in a good way. I was so frustrated and confused and angry and disappointed in so many things, especially God. I literally walked around in a funk half of the time and if you crossed my path on a bad day or got on my last nerve…Lord help you! There was so much inside of me that needed correcting, especially my thoughts and beliefs about how life was supposed to work and about how God works. See although I was raised in the pre-microwave, pre-internet and pre-video game era I am still young enough to have gotten sucked into this instant gratification mentality.
We live in a society where you press a button and four minutes later you have an entire meal. When I was growing up we had to wait until dinner was either cooked from scratch or it was heated up in the oven or on top of the stove. There was no Skype, if you wanted to see someone you went to their house. There was no Facebook or email, if you wanted to converse with someone you called them on the telephone or if they lived close enough you went to their house and sat on their sofa. Forget about instant messaging, we mailed letters! Technology has evolved by quantum leaps and we have suffered because of it. Our children, and unfortunately we, have become accustomed to getting exactly what we want when we want it usually how we want it and because of this, we are all spoiled little children. Yes, you too. So stop shaking your head because you are most certainly just as spoiled as the rest of us.
I’m not saying that we are bad or that anything is wrong with us because we enjoy efficiency and convenience. Personally speaking if I can get something faster and easier with less effort I do and I’m not ashamed to admit it. The problem, however, is that the way we view that which comes with technological advances, is the way we tend to view our relationship with God. And yes I’m referring to oogads of people, not just me. I will, however, use me as the example because it’s somehow easier to see oneself in another person than it is to see oneself in—oneself.
Well, for starters we all want what we perceive to be perfection or easy, effortlessly happy lives and we want it NOW, yesterday. We want a relationship with God where He gives and gives us everything we want when and how we want it. We actually expect unconditional yes’s with not even a sprinkling of no’s from God. If we get what we desire we love God and we praise Him. But don’t let God say no. God forbid God doesn’t ask how high when we say jump. We stamp our feet, turn our backs and walk away while cursing His name like that distasteful Veruca Salt from the first Willie Wonka. We actually bite the hand that feeds us. We behave like disrespectful children to our creator and treat God much like we treated our parents when we’re growing up. We treat God like he’s disposable and we erase His name from our telephone book for the tiniest infraction. We don’t seem to understand that God’s world is in order and we cannot have everything that we want right now, this second.
I like this little saying that I constantly review. It simply states: God has three answers to prayer: 1. Yes, 2. Not yet or 3. I have something better in mind. I don’t know where it originated but I saw it written somewhere and had to incorporate it into my life. It encourages me to believe that maybe God knows what He is doing and there is a reason that I don’t live a life where 100% of the time things go my way. Think about that movie Dark City. If you lived in Dark City and there was no such thing as light, guess what. Darkness would just be reality. You need light to appreciate darkness just like you need occasional unpleasantness to even appreciate what feels good. Think about the movie The Toy, that brat had a human toy because he had everything else and all of that good became unpleasant. If there was no valley, land would be flat and a peak would cease to be. As a matter of fact, anything without its equal and opposite ceases to be…Think about that.
People who walk away from God because God says, “Not yet” or “I have something better in mind” more easily walk away from their families, disown their children, and erase lifelong friends from their lives for tiny infractions. People that never get the memo that God is not disposable or something to be used and discarded can never truly have a relationship with their Creator. I refuse to be one of those people anymore and I may only be 24 days into my journey but I trust God’s decisions. He can tell me no just like any good parent. He can tell me not yet and I will be patient until it is time for me to receive. If God tells me to wait because He has something better in mind, Whoopee! I will wait and be pleasantly surprised. I am using my growing relationship with my parents as a barometer to gauge the growth of my relationship with God. For some wonderful reason as I journal and realize how much God loves me, I seem to appreciate and love my earthly parents more. What a gift that I can unwrap every day…Thank YOU God!
Dear God thank YOU for providing me with that which I should have when YOU deem it best for me to have it. May I never again regard YOU as if you were disposable or treat YOU with a blatant disregard. Thank YOU for the gift of knowing that I need not worry, YOU are here, YOU are there, You are answered prayer…